Harry Potter + erotica = Potterotica.
Horrible, right? And I'm sure the first word that comes screaming through your inner ears is something that rhymes with "schmedoschmile." Which is why this is horrible.
To be fair, IF I was to write Potterotica -- and I'm sure it exists somewhere out there on the interwebs -- I would only include the characters of legal age. Like Dumbledore. And Hagrid. And McGonagall. And . . . yeah, it's just too icky, right? I mean, these people are like 3,000 years old. Or, you know, a giant that probably hasn't showered since the 1940s. I suppose I could include Harry, Hermione, and Ron once they turned 18 -- but ew! I don't want to! It just seems so wrong! So very, very wrong. And so these are the choices -- the elderly and the barely 18 year-olds. Gross.
So, of course I'll have to give you a horrible example of the beginning of some Potterotica. I mean, why else would you come here unless you wanted to be repulsively titillated and titillatingly repulsed? Enjoy. But not too much. Perv.
Professor McGonagall lay her glasses on the desk and stared outside at the rain. It was a kind of rain that could only fall in Great Britain. Meaning, it was wet and British. She sighed, longing for the pale British sun to shine on the Quidditch field. It seemed the rain, much like her constant lonely yearnings for just the slightest touch of a British man, would never end. She sighed again, a deep British sigh, and clutched the latest copy of the The Daily Prophet to her heaving British bosom. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Professor McGonagall, startled, dropped the paper to the floor. She cleared her throat and said, in her very British accent, "Crikey! Come in! Coo, blimey!"
The doorknob turned. And then it turned some more. And then, the door creaked open slowly. And then someone came in. The person turned around. And shut the door behind him. Or her. Professor McGonagall couldn't see. Of course! Her glasses! She hurriedly picked them up and placed them on the end of her nose, so she could look down and immediately judge the person in front of her. Because, well, that's kind of her thing.
Professor Snape walked over to her desk, until he was standing in front of it. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Snape and McGonagall -- I know, gross, right?!). He was wet. Dripping wet. Britishly wet. Wetness covered him like a blanket of . . . of wetness. Snape stood for a moment, taking in the scene: A comfy couch seated in front of a fire which blazed, blazed like the thousand passions lingering beneath his black robes and even blacker heart, a heart which yearned to cry out, "Love me, someone! Anyone! I'm not picky! Seriously, even if I could just get a hug from a house elf, I'd be down with that." He longed to speak, but alas, he could not. He could not muster up the courage to say what he had come to say. Luckily, McGonagall was first to talk.
"Wanna do it?" she asked.
"Yeah!" Snape yelled.
"In a completely British way, obviously," she added.
"Oh, thank goodness," Snape replied. "I only have 5 minutes anyway."
McGonagall was thrilled. "Oh good!" she ecstatically claimed. "We'll have 3 minutes of foreplay then!"
Yeah, I got bored pretty quickly with that one. But the writing is really good, if I do say so myself. In fact, it reminds me of the same style of writing from this other book I read about this girl who moves to a new town and then falls in love with some vampire loner and this other guy loves her too and he turns out to be a werewolf. Nah, that idea sounds way too uninspired and easy. Also, Stephanie Meyer is one of the worst writers in the history of the written word. There, I just did away with all pretense and said it. I mean, seriously, she said she came up with the idea for the book in a dream. Oh, yeah, I totally believe she dreamt the idea. While she was reading Dracula. And some Anne Rice books. And watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Followed by Angel.
Okay, so I hate all things Twilight and Stephanie Meyer. Her books are horrible ideas. And I've come to the realization that, when comparing my Potterotica to Twilight, New Moon, Fangs of Desire, and I Can't Have Sex With My Vampire Boyfriend Until We're Married Because This Book Was Written By a Mormon, -- okay, so I only know the titles of the first two books -- it's not such a horrible idea. In fact, it's a good idea. Maybe I'll give the people at Little, Brown a call . . .
Thanks for setting the bar extremely low, Stephanie Meyer!
Horribly, horribly yours,
Kevin
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Horrible Idea #1: My Abortion Clinic Sitcom
For many years now, I've been fascinated with the idea of creating and writing for a sitcom that takes place in an abortion clinic. Not because I think it's a good idea -- as a matter of fact, I think it's completely the opposite. A horrible idea, if you will. And that's what makes it especially hilarious in a completely inappropriate way. I mean, my god -- imagine the audacity of someone actually writing an entire spec script for this idea. I think it would be hilarious to actually know someone who thinks the idea of an abortion clinic sitcom a.) is an actual good idea, and b.) could be successful. In America, at least. I'll never actually write an abortion clinic sitcom (well, at least not one that I take seriously), but somewhere down the line, it'd be fun to write a character that thinks this is an amazing idea, and keeps sending spec scripts to HBO and Showtime. And so, without further ado, I give you this website's first Horrible Idea:
My Abortion Clinic Sitcom
Title Suggestions:
* Fetal Positions
* Try-Mesters
* Pro Choices
* UterUS
Characters:
* Kathy, the receptionist. Overly cheerful, to the point where she makes clients completely uncomfortable. Always wears her hair pulled into a scrunchie on the top of her head. Arranges work potlucks. Loves horses. Way too much.
* Dr. Ron Kline, the chief of staff. Cheerful, fatherly, overworked. Has a candy dish full of Werther’s Originals on his desk. Constantly drinks orange soda.
* Nurse Gina Jenkins. Wise and wise-cracking. Single mother. Her son Timmy sometimes stops by work after school (Note: Timmy is in the gifted program at school because sons of single mothers are always extremely smart on TV, and because Gina is constantly pushing him to make something of himself and have a better life, to rise up from the “ghetto.”)
* Dr. Jim Gardner, resident doctor. Is always trying to get Gina to have sex with him. Fondness for inappropriate work humor – i.e., likes to walk into the waiting room with a hanger and say, “Alllll, rightie. Who’s next?”
* Ramona, a right-wing Christian conservative who maintains an almost 24/7 vigil/protest outside the clinic. Kathy brings her coffee and food from the potluck, in an effort to become her friend. The two have a bittersweet relationship that will sometimes make the audience cry, especially when acoustic music and/or Taylor Swift plays softly in the background.
Episode and Plot Ideas:
A.) Gina’s grandmother (Grandma Flo) comes for a visit. Since Gina has told her grandmother she works at a podiatrist’s office, she makes the entire staff a party to this lie. The doctors pretend to be foot doctors, telling the people in the waiting room to take off their shoes, etc. Humor ensues, especially when the following dialogue occurs between Grandma Flo and a barefoot client:
GRANDMA FLO
Oh my. From the looks of things, you’ve got something nasty goin’ on down there.
CLIENT
I’m sorry?
GRANDMA FLO
Man, that’s disgusting. And stinky. You better get that ugly thing removed and quick. No man’s gonna wanna marry you in this condition, I can tell you that!
The client begins to cry and runs away, sobbing.
GINA
Grandma Flo, what did you do?
GRANDMA FLO
What? That girl had some nasty bunions! I’m just tellin’ it like it is, Gina. Just tellin’ it like it is.
(NOTE: “I’m just tellin’ it like it is” is Grandma Flo’s catchphrase. This will soon spread like wildfire, be sure to budget for t-shirts and coffee mugs.)
B.) A man enters the building and says that he has a bomb strapped to his body and will blow up the building unless everyone accepts his demands. This episode will play out in real-time, which will save money on sets, cameras, costumes, etc. It turns out that the man is Kathy’s ex-husband (which is a shock to everyone since Kathy had never mentioned him before) and that the bomb strapped to his chest is actually made of cherry Twizzlers and Tootsie Rolls scotch-taped to a Time-Life football phone.
C.) Ramona has some sort of attack (details not important at this point) in the parking lot, and the staff fights to save her life. Ramona struggles with the fact that people who work in an abortion clinic have saved her life, and learns a valuable lesson. But then goes back to being her regular self at the end, because audiences don’t respond well to vast and sudden changes in personalities.
D.) Musical episode?
My Abortion Clinic Sitcom
Title Suggestions:
* Fetal Positions
* Try-Mesters
* Pro Choices
* UterUS
Characters:
* Kathy, the receptionist. Overly cheerful, to the point where she makes clients completely uncomfortable. Always wears her hair pulled into a scrunchie on the top of her head. Arranges work potlucks. Loves horses. Way too much.
* Dr. Ron Kline, the chief of staff. Cheerful, fatherly, overworked. Has a candy dish full of Werther’s Originals on his desk. Constantly drinks orange soda.
* Nurse Gina Jenkins. Wise and wise-cracking. Single mother. Her son Timmy sometimes stops by work after school (Note: Timmy is in the gifted program at school because sons of single mothers are always extremely smart on TV, and because Gina is constantly pushing him to make something of himself and have a better life, to rise up from the “ghetto.”)
* Dr. Jim Gardner, resident doctor. Is always trying to get Gina to have sex with him. Fondness for inappropriate work humor – i.e., likes to walk into the waiting room with a hanger and say, “Alllll, rightie. Who’s next?”
* Ramona, a right-wing Christian conservative who maintains an almost 24/7 vigil/protest outside the clinic. Kathy brings her coffee and food from the potluck, in an effort to become her friend. The two have a bittersweet relationship that will sometimes make the audience cry, especially when acoustic music and/or Taylor Swift plays softly in the background.
Episode and Plot Ideas:
A.) Gina’s grandmother (Grandma Flo) comes for a visit. Since Gina has told her grandmother she works at a podiatrist’s office, she makes the entire staff a party to this lie. The doctors pretend to be foot doctors, telling the people in the waiting room to take off their shoes, etc. Humor ensues, especially when the following dialogue occurs between Grandma Flo and a barefoot client:
GRANDMA FLO
Oh my. From the looks of things, you’ve got something nasty goin’ on down there.
CLIENT
I’m sorry?
GRANDMA FLO
Man, that’s disgusting. And stinky. You better get that ugly thing removed and quick. No man’s gonna wanna marry you in this condition, I can tell you that!
The client begins to cry and runs away, sobbing.
GINA
Grandma Flo, what did you do?
GRANDMA FLO
What? That girl had some nasty bunions! I’m just tellin’ it like it is, Gina. Just tellin’ it like it is.
(NOTE: “I’m just tellin’ it like it is” is Grandma Flo’s catchphrase. This will soon spread like wildfire, be sure to budget for t-shirts and coffee mugs.)
B.) A man enters the building and says that he has a bomb strapped to his body and will blow up the building unless everyone accepts his demands. This episode will play out in real-time, which will save money on sets, cameras, costumes, etc. It turns out that the man is Kathy’s ex-husband (which is a shock to everyone since Kathy had never mentioned him before) and that the bomb strapped to his chest is actually made of cherry Twizzlers and Tootsie Rolls scotch-taped to a Time-Life football phone.
C.) Ramona has some sort of attack (details not important at this point) in the parking lot, and the staff fights to save her life. Ramona struggles with the fact that people who work in an abortion clinic have saved her life, and learns a valuable lesson. But then goes back to being her regular self at the end, because audiences don’t respond well to vast and sudden changes in personalities.
D.) Musical episode?
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